My Neighbors Persistently Tossed Their Dogs’ Waste into Our Yard – My Retaliation Was Severe

Sometimes, you reach a point where you have to stand your ground, and that’s exactly what happened to me. This story is about how I went from being the laid-back neighbor to someone who served up a slice of justice with a little extra something on the side.

My name’s Mandy, and let me start by saying that I’m not one to hold grudges. I’m a firm believer in “live and let live,” the kind of person who prefers to keep the peace and not sweat the small stuff.

I live in a small, quiet suburban neighborhood. You know the kind, where everyone waves at each other in the morning and you can leave your doors unlocked without a second thought. It’s the perfect place to raise my two kids.

Our home has a charming little garden out front, complete with a white picket fence—the whole package, really. But as idyllic as it sounds, even paradise can have a few thorns.

The Thompsons — John and Sarah — moved in next door about a year ago. They seemed nice enough at first. They were in their early 40s, two big dogs named Max and Daisy, and had no kids. We exchanged pleasantries, borrowed a cup of sugar here and there, and I even gave them some of my homemade chocolate chip cookies as a welcome gift.

You know, just your typical neighborly stuff. But after a few months, things started to change, and not for the better.

Those dogs quickly became the bane of my existence. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but these dogs had a habit that was driving me up the wall. They’d do their business right at the edge of their yard, but they didn’t stop there. No, the Thompsons had devised a little system.

They’d wait until they thought no one was looking, scoop up the mess, and then—get this—they’d toss it right over the fence into my garden. It started off as an occasional thing, but before long, I was finding piles of dog crap in my flower beds nearly every other day.

At first, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Who throws dog poop over a fence on purpose, right? I figured it had to be some kind of accident. So, I decided to address the issue directly, hoping a friendly chat would solve the problem.

One afternoon, as John and I were both out in our yards, I decided to bring it up.

“Hey, John,” I said with a smile, trying to keep things light, “I’ve noticed some dog poop in my garden lately. I think it might be from Max or Daisy. Could you maybe keep an eye on them when they’re outside?”

John turned to me, his face breaking into a tight-lipped smile, the kind that doesn’t quite reach the eyes. “Oh, I’m sure it’s not them. Maybe it’s your kids,” he said with a slight smirk, as if he were mocking me.

I was taken aback. My kids? Really? I wanted to argue, but I could see that John wasn’t in the mood to admit anything. I didn’t want to escalate things into a shouting match with my neighbor, so I decided to let it go—for the moment, at least.

But I knew I couldn’t just let this slide. They weren’t going to stop unless I did something about it, and confronting them directly hadn’t worked. So, I decided it was time for something a little more… creative. Something subtle, yet effective.

A plan started to form in my mind, and the more I thought about it, the more deliciously petty it seemed. If they were going to keep throwing their dogs’ crap into my yard, I was going to give them a taste of their own medicine—literally.

Now, I should mention that I’ve always been a pretty good baker. My chocolate chip cookies are legendary around here, so I figured it was time to put that reputation to good use. The plan was simple: I’d bake a batch of cookies, but with a little twist.

The next day, I gathered my supplies—flour, sugar, chocolate chips, and a little something extra. I’m not proud of what I did next, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I went out to my garden, put on a pair of gloves, and scooped up some of the offending material, sealing it in a bag.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify. I wasn’t about to use actual dog poop in my baking. But I needed something that would get the message across.

Instead, I headed to the pet store and picked up a bag of the smelliest dog treats I could find. These little brown nuggets looked just like chocolate chips, but they had a distinctly unpleasant odor. Perfect. I mixed them in with the real chocolate chips, baked up a fresh batch of cookies, and let them cool.

As the cookies baked, the scent wafted through my kitchen. The aroma of chocolate mixed with the pungent smell of dog treats created an odd, unsettling combination. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was exactly what I needed. I could barely stomach it, but I pushed through, knowing the Thompsons were about to get a taste of their own medicine.

Once the cookies had cooled, I carefully packed them into a shiny, decorative tin. To add a final touch, I wrote a note in my best handwriting:

“To the best neighbors, enjoy these fresh-baked cookies! – The Wilsons”

I chuckled to myself as I imagined their reaction, but I wasn’t done yet. Timing was everything. The next day, I waited patiently until I saw Mrs. Thompson head out, likely on one of her daily errands. With the coast clear, I darted across our lawns and stealthily placed the tin of cookies on their porch. Then, I retreated to my house, positioning myself near the window so I could observe the aftermath.

It didn’t take long for the chaos to begin. That evening, while watering my garden, I heard a commotion erupt from the Thompson household. The dogs were barking like mad, their deep barks echoing through the quiet neighborhood. Amid the noise, I caught the unmistakable sound of Mr. Thompson shouting, “What the hell is wrong with these cookies?!”

I couldn’t resist the grin that spread across my face. This was better than I’d imagined. I knew they’d discover that something was off, but I hadn’t anticipated just how quickly it would all unfold.

Several hours later, I overheard the Thompsons having a heated discussion in their backyard. Their voices were low, but they carried clearly across the fence.

“Those Wilsons gave us some kind of sick prank cookies!” Mrs. Thompson hissed, her voice filled with anger and embarrassment.

“They must’ve known about the poop,” Mr. Thompson replied, his tone a mix of frustration and guilt. “What are we going to do?”

“Just keep quiet,” she said, her voice firm. “We don’t want the whole neighborhood knowing we’ve been throwing dog crap over the fence.”

I nearly dropped my watering can. There it was—the confirmation I had been waiting for. They were guilty, and they knew it. And now, they realized that I knew too.

But here’s the best part: a few days later, something miraculous happened. The dog poop stopped appearing in my yard. It was as if by magic. My little act of revenge had worked, and I couldn’t have been more pleased.

Yet, the story didn’t end there. A few weeks later, our neighborhood hosted a BBQ, and the Thompsons showed up. They seemed subdued, keeping mostly to themselves and avoiding eye contact with me. But I wasn’t about to let them off the hook that easily.

“Hey, John! Sarah!” I called out cheerfully, waving them over with a plate of fresh cookies in hand. “I’ve got some more cookies for the party. Want to try one?”

Their faces went pale as they caught sight of the cookies. They mumbled something about being full and quickly excused themselves, practically fleeing in the opposite direction. I chuckled to myself as I watched them scurry away. The rest of the neighbors happily devoured the cookies, unaware of the inside joke between me and the Thompsons.

As the evening wore on, I overheard some of the neighbors chatting about the Thompsons.

“Have you noticed how quiet their dogs have been lately?” one neighbor asked.

“Yeah, and their yard’s been spotless,” another added.

It seemed my little act of creative revenge had not only solved my problem but had also reformed the Thompsons’ behavior. They were now the model neighbors, all thanks to a little ingenuity and a lot of nerve.

Matt Heath: My parting message: Enjoy things while they are around

A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.

Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.

Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.

Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.

Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.

A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”

Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.

While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?

Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”

With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.

There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).

A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.

Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.

Bless!

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