Fearing for their children’s futures, parents search for universal parenting techniques that will put their kids on the route to a prosperous job and a happy life. But times are changing, and the old principles of success are no longer relevant. Sometimes, parents’ actions, intended to be helpful, can actually create challenges for their children’s future.
1. Not allowing their kid to fail
Perfectionist parent often strives for perfection themselves, leading them to expect increasing levels of perfection from their child as they grow older — from the child’s artwork never being good enough to their bed not being made perfectly or not studying hard enough. The child faces constant criticism and reprimands but is never allowed to learn from their mistakes. Children of perfectionist parents may grow up to be perfectionists themselves or develop low self-esteem and lack confidence. Both outcomes can negatively impact their future careers.
- Anna’s mother always compared her to Mary, saying, “Look how tidy Mary is compared to you, Anna!” Despite Anna’s efforts to emulate Mary, she never measured up, and her mother’s criticism only intensified. Anna’s mother never allowed her the chance to improve her habits and learn basic skills. Now at 25 years old, Anna still compares herself to others and always comes up short in her own eyes. Needless to say, this constant comparison has taken a toll on her self-esteem.
2. Paying a child for good grades
This topic remains a subject of debate, but consider this perspective: imagine yourself as a contractor continually paying more for a product or service, with the child as the supplier providing it in exchange for money or rewards. It doesn’t sound like a good idea, does it?
- Alexandra’s parents sought to motivate their daughter to excel in her studies by offering money as an incentive. Initially, Alexandra’s grades improved, suggesting the approach was effective. However, her parents later discovered that she had been fabricating stories about an imaginary illness and sharing them with her teachers. She even falsely claimed that her parents constantly criticized her for poor grades. The sympathetic teacher then raised Alexandra’s grades out of pity. Following this incident, Alexandra’s parents discontinued the practice of paying for grades and sought guidance from a child psychologist.
3. Preventing their child from expressing their feelings
Sometimes, adults dismiss a child’s feelings as wrong — insisting that bruises don’t hurt, feeling anger toward a child who hit them is shameful, or being sad even with a valid reason is incorrect. Parents often do this with good intentions, wanting to teach their children proper behavior. However, it’s crucial to recognize that a fundamental skill for modern individuals is the ability to acknowledge and manage their feelings, emotions, and needs.
- Kate, now 37, vividly remembers how her mother forced her to give away her beloved doll to another girl, admonishing her for being “greedy” and scolding her for getting upset over a “stupid toy.” Kate never got her doll back. Over the years, she has worked hard to assert herself, learning to say “no” to demanding people, including her boss and coworkers. Despite this, Kate often feels guilty whenever she refuses to comply with their requests.
4. Failing to support their child in front of strangers
Every child needs the assurance that their parents will stand up for them in any conflict, regardless of the situation, and won’t blindly trust the words of authority figures like teachers, principals, or neighbors. When parents allow their children to speak up for themselves when they are ready to take responsibility for their actions, it helps them develop healthy self-esteem and a sense of personal accountability.
- Maggy was raised by her grandmother, who often said, “But what will other people think?” Although her grandmother loved Maggy and wanted the best for her, she constantly emphasized the importance of public opinion. As a result, Maggy struggles to make her own decisions and even relies on her friends’ opinions when choosing something as simple as dessert.
5. Drawing inspiration and comparing to successful people
Each generation has its own set of heroes whom young people aspire to emulate. In recent decades, the tales of personal success from wealthy and influential individuals have become widespread. However, it’s not as simple as learning their life story and achieving happiness. If it were that easy, everyone who reads their books would have solved all their financial problems by now.
- Alex developed a passion for computers from a young age. Inspired by the story of Steve Jobs that his dad shared with him, Alex immersed himself in learning everything about Apple. When it came time to choose a university, Alex initially believed he didn’t need higher education because Steve Jobs succeeded without it. Eventually, Alex realized the importance of education for his path and pursued college to advance his career. Now, Alex jokes, “What worked for Steve Jobs is just a waste of time for an ordinary guy like me.”
6. Pressuring their child to decide on their future career
The notion that a person should stick to one career for their entire life is likely outdated and impractical. Many modern occupations didn’t exist a decade ago, while others have already become obsolete.
- Since childhood, Max had a passion for exploring computers and understanding various software programs. Despite his parents’ concerns, he pursued this interest and eventually discovered online courses in software testing. Now, he is thriving in this field, leveraging his potential and skills.
- Laura, at 37, worked as a sociologist for a major consulting firm but found it challenging to maintain her career after having her son. During maternity leave, she rediscovered her love for photography. Starting with unique photos of her child, Laura progressed to offering photoshoots for friends’ and acquaintances’ kids. Over time, she opened her photo studio. Laura now earns as much as her husband and successfully manages her professional life while caring for her family. This shift exemplifies the evolving nature of careers and the importance of embracing new opportunities.
7. Arguing about money
Since children may absorb long-lasting messages from these circumstances, it’s crucial to avoid arguing about money or other matters in front of them. Instead of one-on-one conflicts, which can cause youngsters to take sides and become distressed, talks should be led in a way that promotes involvement.
- Chris grew up witnessing his parents argue about money. When he went to college at 17 and moved away, he struggled with managing his finances and spending on unnecessary items. He now fears starting relationships, believing that money is the root cause of his sadness.
8. Prohibiting the child from using social networks
Social networks have become today’s equivalent of the yards and neighborhoods where we used to play as children. Kids can learn valuable skills through computer programs integrated with social media platforms. While parents should remind their kids about online safety rules, depriving children of this experience can be harsh.
- Aria’s mother was surprised to discover that her 10-year-old daughter had learned to create cool videos. Even more surprising was the realization that Aria had learned this skill from using TikTok. Now, creating short videos has become a family hobby for them.
9. Teaching the kid that they have the stuff at home
Many of us recall times when we asked our parents to buy us things, only to hear, “We already have that at home; we don’t need it.” Some parents repeatedly expose their children to such situations, unintentionally discouraging them from getting what they truly need. This pattern can significantly impact their financial habits as adults. On the other hand, constantly satisfying a child’s every need can also have negative effects.
- Jan’s mother often tells him they have things at home and they don’t buy them from the store. Jan has learned to overlook his needs, and with each subsequent request, he withdraws more, knowing not to ask. When Jan grows up and earns his income, money will go towards trivial things because that’s how he’s learned to live.
10. Preventing children from getting into conflicts
The ability to engage with others is perhaps one of the most crucial professional skills one can possess. It’s important not only to help children make friends but also to teach them how to engage in healthy arguments. People often hold differing opinions, and there are various ways to express emotions. The sooner children grasp this concept, the easier their interactions with others will be, including in professional settings.
- Michaela spent her life avoiding conflicts, preferring to agree with others rather than engage in disputes. She believed that someone always had to be the “smarter” one, but this approach proved more harmful than beneficial. One day, Michaela learned about active listening and decided to apply this approach in her professional life. She excelled at paying attention to others’ perspectives while also expressing her feelings when others attempted to take advantage of her. Initially, people found her communication style unconventional, but conflicts with coworkers became more constructive, leading to mutually beneficial resolutions.
11. Helping their child learn to save money
The world is always changing, and old ways of making or saving money might not work anymore. We can’t predict what skills will be valuable in the future economy. That’s why it’s important to teach kids to be flexible and ready for change, not just to save money.
- Emily’s grandfather saved money his whole life “just in case.” But when that “case” finally happened, a financial meltdown made all his investments lose value. Emily saw this while growing up, and now she’s worried the economy could collapse at any time. She believes the best investment is in her skills and knowledge.
12. Trying to build a strong character with the help of sports
While there’s a widespread belief that sports are beneficial for discipline and character development, excessive competitiveness in professional sports can be detrimental to a child’s physical and mental health. This competitiveness can be fueled by both fellow young athletes and coaches. Only a few individuals become champions, and coaches often prioritize these select few, neglecting the rest of the team. Coping with this unfair treatment at a young age can lead to low self-esteem and confusion about alternative life paths if a child must stop playing sports.
- Tom’s mother pursued rhythmic gymnastics as a child but had to abandon her Olympic dreams due to a leg injury. When Tom was three, his mother enrolled him in gymnastics classes, hoping he would excel. However, Tom struggled in this sport, leading him to lose interest in school, feel like a failure, and struggle to identify his strengths. Now, Tom is studying to become a child psychologist to help parents navigate the challenges of raising children without making the same mistakes.
Being protective of your children is natural, but it’s important to set boundaries. Respecting their privacy is crucial for a healthy parent-child relationship and their personal development. Violating their privacy can have serious negative effects, especially on their mental health.
I Returned Home from a Long Trip without Warning My Husband and Found a Strange Child Inside – ‘I Live Here,’ He Said
I came home unexpectedly from a long trip to find a strange child in my living room. The boy said he lived there, and as I followed his innocent directions to the bedroom, I uncovered a truth about my husband’s involvement that shattered my world.
As I pushed open the front door, my kids darted past me into the house, yelling “Surprise!” Their voices echoed in the house. But something felt off. There were shoes by the door that didn’t belong to us. A couple of pairs were small, definitely children’s shoes, but not my children’s. I froze.
A line of unfamiliar shoes by the front door, hinting at a mystery | Source: Pexels
“Mom, why are there other people’s shoes here?” Emma asked, her brow furrowed.
I forced a smile. “Probably some guests. Let’s find Dad and see.”
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves, and moved toward the living room. My steps were slow, deliberate. I peeked around the corner and there he was: a young boy, maybe four years old, sitting in our living room, engrossed in cartoons on the TV.
The boy turned to look at me, unfazed. “Hi,” he said with a toothy grin.
A young boy named Jason smiling innocently in the living room | Source: Pexels
“Hi there,” I replied, my voice shaky. “Who are you?”
“I’m Jason,” he said. “I live here.”
My heart skipped a beat. “You… live here?” I repeated, more to myself than to him. “Where are your parents, Jason?”
He pointed toward the hallway. “In the bedroom.”
I stood there, rooted to the spot. How could this be? I had only been gone for three weeks. I needed answers. I needed to see Ian, my husband.
Julia’s shocked face as she hears Jason’s claim of living there | Source: Pexels
“Stay here, kids,” I whispered to Emma and Max, who were now eyeing Jason curiously. “I’ll be right back.”
Each step toward the bedroom felt heavier than the last. My hands trembled as I reached for the doorknob. I paused, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open.
Inside, the sight that met my eyes made my stomach churn. Ian was in bed with another woman. They sprang apart, eyes wide with shock, as if they’d seen a ghost. The woman, a brunette with soft features, clutched the sheets to her chest.
Ian and Sophie, caught in bed | Source: Pexels
“Julia!” Ian stammered, scrambling to his feet. “What are you doing here?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. My eyes darted between them, then back to Ian. I wanted to scream, cry, or do anything but stand there in stunned silence.
“Who is she?” I finally managed to choke out.
“I’m Sophie,” the woman said, her voice trembling. “I… I thought — “
I held up a hand to stop her. “Save it,” I snapped. I turned to Ian, my voice rising. “Who is she, Ian? And who is that child?”
Julia confronting Ian and Sophie in the bedroom | Source: Midjourney
Ian looked like he might faint. “I can explain, Julia. Please, just — “
“Explain?!” I cut him off. “Explain what? That you’ve been lying to me? That there’s another family in my house?”
Sophie looked horrified. “Ian told me you were separated! That you were out of the picture!”
I glared at Ian. “Out of the picture? That’s rich. I’ve been at my parents’ for three weeks, taking care of my sick mother, while you… you — “
“Julia, please,” Ian begged. “Let me talk.”
Julia turns her back on Ian and walks away | Source: Midjourney
“No,” I said, my voice hard. “No more lies.”
I stormed out of the room, my mind in a whirlwind. Emma and Max were in the living room, still talking to Jason. I couldn’t bear to look at them, not now. I needed air. I needed to think.
I stepped outside, the cool air hitting my face like a splash of cold water. My hands shook as I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts. There was no one I could think to call, no one who could help me make sense of this.
Julia getting a breath of air outside and thinking about who to call | Source: Pexels
I had to gather myself and face this chaos head-on. The betrayal cut deep, like a knife. But beneath the pain, anger simmered, waiting to boil over.
Inside, I could hear Ian’s muffled voice, trying to explain, to justify his behavior to the other woman. But there was no justification for this. For tearing our family apart, for lying to me, to our kids.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the storm inside me. I had to be strong, for Emma and Max. I couldn’t let Ian’s betrayal break me.
Julia beside one of her children, trying to maintain composure | Source: Pexels
With renewed determination, I walked back into the house. Emma and Max looked up at me, their eyes wide with confusion. Little Jason still sat on the couch, oblivious to the turmoil he had unknowingly revealed.
“Mom?” Emma asked, her voice small. “What’s going on?”
I knelt down beside them, forcing a smile. “We’ll talk about it later, sweetie. Right now, let’s get some dinner, okay?”
They nodded, sensing my need for a momentary distraction. I led them to the kitchen, my mind still reeling, but my resolve strengthened with every step.
This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot.
Sophie and Julia confront each other in the kitchen | Source: Midjourney
Sophie, equally stunned and devastated, joined me in the kitchen after Ian finally left, dragging his suitcase behind him. Sophie, to her credit, had ordered him out of the house. We sat in silence, the weight of the evening pressing down on us.
“I can’t believe this,” Sophie said, her voice breaking. “He told me you were dead. That you died four years ago. I never doubted him.”
I shook my head, feeling the sting of betrayal all over again. “I don’t understand how he could live this double life. It’s like I never really knew him.”
Sophie looked at me with tear-filled eyes. “I’m so sorry, Julia. I had no idea. If I had known — “
Sophie and Julia chatting and sharing their disappointment | Source: Pexels
“It’s not your fault,” I interrupted, my voice softer now. “He’s the one who lied to both of us.”
We shared a bottle of wine, the alcohol dulling the edges of our pain. We cried and talked, finding an unexpected solace in each other’s company. The betrayal had shattered us both, but in that shattering, a fragile bond began to form.
As the night wore on, Sophie mentioned something that ignited a spark of determination in me. “I found a dating profile a while back. It had Ian’s picture, but he used a different name. I was too scared to confront him about it.”
I sat up straighter, “A dating profile?”
Sophie nodded. “Yes. I didn’t know what to do.”
Sophie sadly explaining how Ian deceived her | Source: Midjourney
An idea began to form, and I felt a surge of energy. “We need to make him pay for what he’s done. Let’s create a fake profile. We’ll use photos of Ian’s boss, Brian, and his wife, Lisa. We’ll lure Ian into a compromising conversation, get him to reveal all his dirty secrets.”
Sophie looked at me, her eyes wide with hope, but also doubt. “And then what?”
“Then we send it all to Brian. Let him deal with Ian.”
Sophie and Julia creating a fake dating profile of Ian together | Source: Pexels
We spent the next few days putting our plan into action. We created the profile, carefully choosing photos of Lisa that would draw Ian in. It didn’t take long for him to bite.
***
Ian fell for the bait, hook, line, and sinker. He believed he was talking to Brian’s wife and soon started disparaging Brian, revealing all kinds of personal and damaging information. The final straw was when he agreed to meet at a hotel.
We took screenshots of everything and sent them to Brian, along with an explanation of who we were and why we were doing this. The response was swift.
Brian takes the bait on a dating app, incriminating himself | Source: Pexels
Ian was called into a meeting with Brian and was fired on the spot for his appalling dishonesty and disloyalty. When he returned to pack his things, his face was a mask of defeat.
“You did this,” he accused, his voice bitter.
I looked him in the eye, my voice cold. “You did this to yourself, Ian. Now get out of my house.”
With Ian out of our lives, Sophie and I found solace in each other. We supported each other through the emotional aftermath, focusing on rebuilding our lives.
As the days passed, our bond grew stronger, turning our shared pain into a source of empowerment. We were no longer victims of Ian’s deceit but survivors who had found strength in each other.
Ian leaving the house for good, in shame | Source: Midjourney
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